Happy New Year from the Johnsons

Just so you know, I've spent the last hour updating my laptop and importing photos from my phone for our annual last-minute, week-late Christmas/New Year's letter. I'm gonna keep this intro real because we all know that life can be complicated and messy. Each member of the Johnson's five-person (and one canine) crew is imperfect but full of awesomeness in his or her own way. Tantrums were thrown (not all by the children). Jokes were told and terrible puns endured. A zillion loads of laundry were done and then left to sit in a hamper to be rifled through on hectic mornings. Some of us have matured. Everyone's grades are good. Vacations were enjoyed. We loved one another. We're healthy. Above all, God is good to us all the time, and 2018 has been a reflection of that.

Aaron, age (adult-ish)
The hubs has had a busy year in every corner. He remains with the Marcus & Millichap commercial property group, serving as the broker of the Kentucky office and selling apartment complexes. He heads up and shares teaching responsibilities at our weekend group at Southeast Christian Church called The Cord. Aaron and I are the old and supposedly wise ones in this class for young married couples, but they in turn keep us young and remind us to take joy in discovering one another, even as life and marriage advance onward. Speaking of marriage, we also mentor engaged couples, helping to prepare them for the aspects of marriage they may have not discussed yet. Again, this keeps our own marriage fresh, as we continually talk out how we're doing.
As our family's designated cruise director, Aaron planned and executed trips to Mexico, Myrtle Beach, S.C. and Florida as well as a Christmas cruise to the Bahamas. He also hosted many a fine game night with friends around what is formerly known as our dining room table. He has taken on our son as his young apprentice in gaming, and Adam is proving to be a formidable opponent. Aaron's current obsession is the new Fallout, where he is exploring the post-apocalyptic versions of my old stomping grounds in West Virginia.

Tonia, age 41 and proud of it
This has been a year of new things for me. With all three kiddos in school, I thought I'd have extra time. Adam wanted me to work in his school's cafeteria. Katie suggested slinging chicken at her favorite restaurant. I pictured me back at this laptop, tapping away at a book. But, alas, time easily is eaten up by other things. You know how it is, adults, for it is our plight.
If you would have told me as an overweight, inactive 12-year-old girl that she would one day be a fitness instructor, I would have choked on my Big Mac. But I was certified as a REFIT instructor in April and teach a few times a month at our church's gym, the Southeast Sports & Fitness Center. I cannot begin to tell you how much fun I've had dancing with these ladies and learning to laugh at myself as I forget moves and tell stupid jokes over the mic. And to think it counts as exercise is just icing on the cake! Between REFIT and other group fitness classes, I may as well pitch a tent at the gym, for it has become a second home as well as my happy place. I feel physically stronger than I've ever been, but the best part is the community I've found there. I'm loved, accepted and supported in my fitness journey, and I admire and enjoy the company of the ladies I'm on the journey alongside.
At the moment, I'm blonde. I've had fun with this. I visited a friend whose child was in the hospital recently, and her poor husband didn't recognize me when I ran up and hugged him. Who knows how long I'll keep it, but hair is fun to play around with, no?
The discipleship group I've been co-leading is in its final months of a nearly-two-year span. Our group is small and close-knit. We're diverse in age, ethnicity and life stage. And we love and learn from one another because that's how the body of Christ looks when it's healthy. If you have ever considered joining a DC (Developing Co-laborers) group but have been intimidated by the time commitment, I encourage you to tell that inner voice to hush and go for it anyway. I've been involved with DC for nearly a decade, and it has been one of the most significant growth agents in my walk with Christ.
Family, church community and fitness friends - these are my people. Find your tribe and love them well.

Katie, age 11
Our first-born is becoming more lovely all the time but will argue with you if you try to tell her so. Ah, adolescence approaches! This is Katie's third year at the Meredith-Dunn School, where she keeps being chosen as writer of the month. She and her bestie have been writing and illustrating a series of unicorn books, which are adorable. Her mom is so proud, but, again, is rebuffed each time I mention it.
She had to undergo a tonsillectomy this fall to help her breathe and swallow a little easier, as those suckers were huge. Having surgery at this age is traumatic, but she handled it like a trooper!
Katie's Lego cities have overtaken most of the flat surfaces of her room. There's an island where the Elves live, a Lego Friends series of shelves, a land of general princess whatnot and some original designs taking up lower shelving. Touching of any of said structures is forbidden under penalty of mauling. Trust me, little sister has tested this. Bring on the Kragle!
Katie also attends American Heritage Girls meetings at church. It's only just begun, so we'll see how things develop.

Adam, age 9
Ah, the boy. This is such a neat kid. Funny, smart, bookish, with energy in spades - Adam is a force all unto himself.
This year he has been learning the ropes of outdoor adventure in Trail Life at church and American Sign Language in the signing club at school. Though not a fan of homework, Adam wows his teacher with his class work as well as the jokes he scrawls at the top of his paperwork. He's definitely honing his joke-telling skills to the detriment of the talent his mother would prefer him to develop: room-cleaning.
Adam typically is the first person in our home to rise in the morning, much to his mother's chagrin. When recently asked why, he replied, "I just want to seize the day." He's good at that. Look out, world!

Nora, age 6
Our little firecracker blissfully entered kindergarten this year, after years of envying her siblings. Each afternoon, as soon as Nora crosses the threshold she digs her folder from her backpack and excitedly shares what she's done each day, page by colorful page.
Nora accompanies big sis to American Heritage Girls meetings, where she giggles with friends over snacks and makes crafts.
She seems to be our musically-inclined child, forever singing songs she's made up and spinning about the room. She inspires me to enjoy life and spin more regardless of whether anyone's watching.
At home, Nora is my partner in both kitchen dance parties and cuddles on the couch. What will I do when she gets too big for these? I suppose Aaron will have to take her place.

Pedro, age 6 (ruff-ly)
Our terrier mix has spent the year mastering the art of napping and instigating barked arguments with our neighbors' dog across the fence. Pedro loves popcorn and all the meats as well as eating holes in blankets - the fluffier, the better. His dislikes include peeing outside on rainy days. As fierce as he may sound to passers by, Pedro is so patient and gentle with the kids, though they pester him while he tries to sleep. He helps clean the kitchen floor and is a top-notch lap warmer in the winter. We couldn't love him more.

I hope you and yours are as happy and blessed as we are. God loves you and so do we!

The Johnsons

Happy 2018 from the Johnsons!

It would be ridiculous to refer to this as a Christmas letter; I've even missed the deadline for a New Year's letter. So, friends, happy Friday (unless I can't finish this until tomorrow). Dear reader, you should be used to this by now: Life is hectic, so busy, blah, blah, blah. Truthful as that may be, life in the last 12 months has fit lots of other descriptors: Challenging, hilarious, painful, touching, quick, slow. All of it. Together, as well as separately, we are a beautiful mess, but we love each other deeply and are in awe watching God's plan unfold through all life's ups and downs. Here's a peek at what we've seen since I've last corresponded (you know, New Year's Day 2017):

Aaron has had a great year professionally. He sold the apartments in Southern Indiana and became part owner in a retail center here in Louisville. His Marcus & Millichap deals earned him a trip to Punta Mita, Mexico for this year's company awards. I get to join him, so yay, M&M! We zipped up to Chicago for a quick getaway from the kiddos, but don't feel too sorry for them. We did take the kids on family trips to Gulf Shores, Orlando, Myrtle Beach and a Caribbean cruise. Grandma Macaulay doesn't call us "the go-go Johnsons" for nothing! Aaron still loves teaching The Cord Sunday school class at Southeast Christian Church, where he's also found a group of tabletop gamers as avid as he is.

This was my big 4-Oh year, and boy did it not disappoint. I had yet another surgery - an appendectomy that effectively cancelled a planned trip to Hawaii with Aaron. In investigating a separate health scare (which proved not scary at all, by the way), I discovered I needed glasses. But you know what? I add that one to this year's plus column, as I've wanted glasses since I was a kid misreading eye charts to attain that sought-after accessory. Earlier in the year, I found myself in an emotional upheaval when my parents' health was in question. The Holy Spirit led me gently in those months, and I'm grateful to tell you that each of my parents have rebounded since - they even took a Christmas cruise! It did my heart so much good to get photo updates of them having so much fun with family on the high seas! One wonderful addition to my year has been getting a new DC group underway. I'm co-leading with a wonderful lady from Westport Baptist Church, and our diverse group of ladies teaches and encourages me. Aaron and I also began mentoring engaged couples through Southeast, which has proven to be a fun way to minister together and enriching to our own marriage. Finally, we each just wrapped up the first of the two-year Soul Transformation series of retreats that is leading us in examining how to strengthen our walks with Christ. Pouring into others is our passion, and we believe that for our outflow to be healthy we need to be poured into ourselves. We're so thankful for the faith communities the Lord has placed us in!

It's dizzying how fast Katie, 10, has matured of late. Can I just humble brag a little? First of all, hers just may be the best school photo in the history of school photos. Gorgeous, is she not? Still the creator, Katie has added writing to her palette. So far this school year, she has been selected as a Writer of the Month for a short story she composed, and a haiku she wrote for class was selected to appear in The Courier-Journal just a couple of weeks ago. Good grief, I didn't get published in that paper until I was 23! Outside of school, Katie still loves to draw and paint, and she uses her artistic strengths in Minecraft and other computer games.

Hands down, the best part of Adam's 2017 happened on Jan. 1, when he was baptized by his dad at our church. The rest of the year was icing on top. We were so proud of Adam's performance at the regional spelling bee last spring, and he's excited to have qualified again for this year's competition. Adam is basically an 8-year-old version of Aaron Johnson - a brainy reading junkie and gamer extraordinaire, and I love every aspect of that description! He delights in filling us in on what he's learning, both at school and in his leisure. And as Aaron's occasional sidekick at game nights, Adam gives the grown-ups a run for their money (er, their cookies)! This year, he's tried his hand at sports, too, playing baseball in the spring and basketball this season. Adam keeps us in stitches with his humor, and I can't help but smile just looking at his handsome face.

Dang, our kids are cute. I'm sorry, but come on - look at this nugget. Nora is a 5-year-old firecracker that even the coldest heart could not resist. She's a social butterfly at her preschool three days a week, spending the other two weekdays begging to go to school anyway. She cannot wait to be a full-time student next year! Our family adventures mean a lot to Nora, who longs to spend more days at the beach, LEGOLAND (where she confirms what the song touts - everything is awesome) and "Werewolf Lodge" (maybe you're mispronouncing it). Nora lives for cuddle parties with Mommy, Daddy and the dog, and we each just eat up those moments. She's my carpool karaoke companion and kitchen dance party partner, and I simply cannot imagine how life would be without her in it.

As you can see, Pedro has been well assimilated to our family. But he's probably had the "ruff-est" year. His teeth had a run-in with an ankle and, long story short, he's not allowed on walks anymore. Thankfully, we had already installed a fence in the backyard, where he can happily bark his head off at squirrels and whatever else moves out there. Inside, Pedro loves his people, patiently allowing the kids to bother him while he's trying to get his 22 hours of napping in and keeping Daddy's spot in the bed warm. And in exchange for being my constant companion, he's the only other life form in this house with whom I gladly share my popcorn.

The Johnsons wish each of you a year of abiding love, belly laughs, good cries and warm hugs. All the good stuff.

Happy New Year from The Johnsons

As I'm sure you've read and heard ad nauseam, 2016 has been a tough little year on the humans. I don't want to dredge up all the negative feels when we're on the cusp of a new beginning, but it bears repeating: Prince died on my birthday. Sigh. Personally, it's been a doozy of a year as well - a year of surgery and long recuperation. Of moving Grandma J to Florida. Of dealing with all the emotional and physical implications of having dearly-loved people battle cancer and other serious illness. I could go on, but I think we're all depressed enough.

Here's the thing: Life is full of hardship, as Jesus warned us it would be. And that is exactly why we all need to know, love and follow Him. He and that marvelous Holy Spirit has sustained us in 2016, and they will sustain us through whatever 2017 has to dish out.

Plus, 2016 wasn't all bad. Some pretty incredible things happened too - even amidst the tough stuff. Yes, I spent a lot of time unable to do my thing - the kid wrangling, the exercise, the running around town to this activity and that. The obvious silver lining is that I got a brand spankin' new, titanium-reinforced spine! Plus, I got a couple of months off to lay around binge-watching good shows and buying stuff off the Internet! But our family also found a great friend in Cady Ryan, who helped us out on all fronts as our nanny.

We had a great year of travel, with Aaron and I getting away by ourselves on his company's rewards trip to Hawaii's Big Island. As a family, we enjoyed the sun in Gulf Shores and Myrtle Beach, and just this week in Florida, visiting Aaron's mom. So even though we don't get to have her in Louisville, she's a happy newlywed living just an hour away from the happiest place on Earth - Disney World! Plus, we really like her husband, Doug Macaulay! So now the only thing to decide is what to call her, as she's no longer Grandma J. Grandma M? McGrandma? My personal favorite: GrannyMac? What's your vote?

That's the macro view of the Johnson's 2016. Here's what we've been up to individually:

Aaron enjoys his career in commercial real estate for Marcus & Millichap. It's a challenge and comes with a good bit of stress, but Aaron thrives on strategy and puzzle solving - he loves to figure out how to make deals work! He continues to teach The Cord weekend group at Southeast Christian Church, and we both love the relationships we've cultivated there with some wonderful young families. It's a great community and has given us wonderful support! Aaron went above and beyond in supporting me this year as I recovered from surgery, juggling duties of mom, dad and bread-winner. Thankfully, he's a great juggler, too!

I'm happy to tell you that after four years, I'm finally pain-free! I can't thank Drs. Joseph Werner and Steven Reiss enough for their skillful hands and wisdom. With hope, as I continue to heal and strengthen I can get back in the gym and chase my children around, because it turns out that whatever you sit on for three months tends to expand and drop :) With three kids in three different schools, I've spent an enormous amount of time in the car. Honestly, it's been difficult to keep up with all their stuff, but that's parenthood. I expect that won't let up for another fourteen years or so. So I'll just choose to enjoy the madness. I enjoy leading our weekend group's ladies Bible study and am so thankful for the friendship and support the ladies give to one another. Friends, women are amazing. If you're of the female persuasion, I strongly suggest you gather up a group of women you admire and invest heavily in those relationships because they will teach you, make you laugh and cry (sometimes simultaneously) and will make you feel supported. I value them more every year of life.

It's been a big year for our first born, with Katie starting a new school and stretching herself to do things outside her comfort zone. We've seen her reading skills and general maturity leap in the last few months! To our surprise on spring break, she scaled a three-story ropes course without a sniffle. On her birthday, she got her ears pierced. She bounds into school in the mornings and returns to the car happy at the end of the day - a welcomed change, for sure! Katie has enjoyed being in the Lego club at school, extending from her growing collection at home. A prolific creator of all things artistic, Katie loves to write and illustrate her own short stories and has constructed and decorated an untold number of realms in her Minecraft world.

See those pearly whites? Several of them are gone in the three months since this school picture was taken. After much anticipation, Adam has been losing teeth left and right since turning 7. He has been a busy little man lately. Between school work, math club and now Trail Life, Adam loves to sidle up to the computer with big sis and create in Minecraft. He won his grade's spelling bee and will represent CAL's second grade at the district competition in February. He continues to be the family's comedian, as Nora explained to a perfect stranger a while back, saying, "he's quite funny." Adam has an insatiable curiosity about how things work, specifically as it relates to taking things apart (which recently had Aaron scouring the house for objects Mom wouldn't freak out about if he did so).

Nora was thrilled to begin preschool this year! While just starting her academic career, she's already developed a personality bigger than she is. Nora loves to sing little ditties she's heard on the radio or sometimes epic pieces made up on the spot. Word to the wise: just smile and clap your hands if you want to keep her happy. Nora loves Play-Doh, puzzles, kitchen dance parties, playing with her doll houses and keeping the dog on his toes. She's so much fun!

Pedro joined our family in July, and we love having him in it! A 3-year-old-ish mix of Jack Russell Terrier and who knows what, Pedro came to us from the Oldham County Humane Society. He loves to snuggle with human types, keep Dad's side of the bed warm, take brisk walks around the neighborhood and bark his head off at all passers by. His dislikes include fetching, preferring instead to chase after whatever edibles falls on the floor. So much a terrier, yet not a terrier! Pedro was Mom's shadow during recovery from back surgery, and his companionship was good medicine.




So tomorrow we all get a fresh start. The Johnsons get the added blessing of beginning with a celebration of new life for our son, Adam, whom Aaron will baptize into the family of Christ tomorrow. Aaron and I couldn't be more thrilled to not only call Adam our beloved son, but also our brother in Christ. As two people who've found peace and hope in Him, there's nothing we could want more for our children - or for you!

We pray this year brings you God's blessings, even in the trials. May they come in the form of love, peace and joy. Give lots of hugs and grace. Be kind to those who don't deserve it. Be grateful for the time we have together as friends and family. We love you!

Recovery Lessons

In a home full of kid messes and visual chaos, I'm glad I've been adamant about keeping my bedroom a sanctuary because I've spent most of the last two weeks holed up in here. Now that my Percocet is used up, I feel comfortable telling the Internet I'm recovering from back surgery.

This comes after four years of lower back pain that started just a few months after the birth of our third child. As I worked hard in high-intensity gym classes over that first postpartum year to lose the baby weight, my pain increased. A MRI in spring of 2014 revealed a vertebra 9 mm out of place, squeezing my spinal cord and putting added pressure on one of my discs. Unwilling to undergo surgery at that point, we opted for pain management. I tried epidural injections, which we stopped when their insane cost outweighed the minimal benefit. I noticed an increase in pain back this summer and had another MRI in July, and it showed the bone had continued to shift to 14 mm out of place (see image below). By the time I made it to an orthopedic surgeon in September, an x-ray revealed a further shift to 17 mm. That's about half the diameter of a vertebral body, the ortho reported, adding that if I put off surgery to the new year, I would risk paralysis. That prognosis being said, and seeing the image of a piece of my spine sticking out like a Jenga block, I was ready to be cut.

So on Sept. 26, I had a laminectomy and fusion of L4 and L5. That's right - I am now bionic, featuring rods and screws and prepared to hold up every airport TSA screening line. The procedure went fine, except my surgeons uncovered a tear in my dura mater, the sheath covering the spinal cord. Saying the tear likely was caused by a misplaced needle during one of my several epidurals (including one for each of my kids), one of the surgeons patched it. I spent the first 48 hours post-op flat on my back to allow the patch to heal and in the most intense pain outside of childbirth I've ever experienced.

I slept through most of the first several days, both at the hospital and home. Thankfully, my mother-in-law flew up from Orlando to help Aaron with the kids. We just hired a nanny to take over when she flies home, as I won't be allowed to lift anything for who knows how long.

The most comfortable position, well, doesn't really exist. However, sitting and standing for long periods bring worse pain than I had before surgery, so I'm horizontal most of the time. When I do get up, I have to wear the above-pictured back brace. I know what you're thinking - Where can I get one of those beauties? Well, not just anywhere. They are sold exclusively at my ortho's office and are so fab you don't even get to know how much they cost. Blue Cross/Blue Shield will inform you later. If you do manage to snag one, pair it with yoga pants and a makeup-free face to complete the look. Maybe a top knot for the hair - I really didn't have myself together when that photo was taken. Be sure to let everyone see you attempt to sit on a couch with it on, because stiffly rocking while trying to find your cozy spot (visualize a turtle caught on its back) is so chic.

This has been a humbling experience, to say the least. I love housewifery and motherhood, even if the latter exhausts and frustrates me to no end. I take a ton of pride - you know, that thing God says He hates - in caring for my family and making our household run smoothly. Aaron told me once that I have an addiction to being needed, and I've since discovered he is absolutely right. I delight in being capable and taking care of business. I love cooking yummy meals. Looking over a tidy home, despite the three kids and a dog, and knowing I made it that way makes me feel like I've beaten the odds. But the Lord has a way of showing His children when they've put themselves on the throne, when they've reveled in their own strength rather than in His. And I have been guilty.

Not being able to bend, twist or lift has left me with exactly zero ability to do my thing. Do you have any idea how many things I drop in a day? I'm asking my children to fetch things lest I have to pick them up with my toes (although I've gotten rather good at this). They've had to help more than they're used to, which actually is a big plus! The floors are dusty. What is that mystery smell in the kitchen? I don't even want to know what debris lurks under those couch cushions, but I'm dying to rip the couch apart to clean it.

Apart from coming to terms with my pride, I'm battling other troublesome attributes that haunt me, like perfectionism. Who cares if the kids have had a blanket fort pitched in the living room for three days? Really, Lord, do I have to wear the back brace? Really? I may or may not have been incredibly cranky with my family. You can ask them about that later, Lord help me. Humans are capable of doing the most awful things when they're in pain. I'm grateful that I just get salty and short-tempered, although that's bad enough for the family. I also carry an addiction to exercise and, with it, the terrifying premonition that when I graduate from yoga pants I'll discover I no longer fit into my regular pants.

We've established that pride in self is bad, but can I say with righteousness that I'm proud of my husband? He has completely re-arranged his everyday to fill in the gaps of my absence. He has encouraged and held me when I've burst into tears over the pain. And over nothing in particular - I was off my meds for a while, too.

And let me just say that I am so in love with the body of Christ! I can't even count how many in our community of believers came to visit me in the hospital. I may have been too drugged to recall what we talked about, but I will always remember that you were there! You prayed over me. You brought me flowers and sweet notes, care packages of boredom-busters and hot meals. You have arranged play dates to occupy my lively brood. You've shown up to walk my dog, who has loyally stayed by my bed-ridden side. How beautiful are the hands and feet, indeed!

You guys, it's so true that the Lord wastes no trial. He's working in my heart as well as my spine, and He always brings beauty out of the ashes. I've had more focused time to pray, not just troll Facebook and binge watch the first few episodes of This is Us, although I've done all of these.

What all of that said, thank you for walking beside me these last couple of weeks. Your friendship and fellowship has meant the world to me and my family. We love you and know our Lord smiles at His people taking care of one another!

Of Mother's Day and Messes

We're coming off a whirlwind kind of period at the Johnson house. I turned 39 a couple of weeks ago, got an ear infection and haven't heard anything out of my left ear since. And all within the last few days my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, the Kentucky Derby ran in our city and we endured Mother's Day. I say "endured" because there's something about major holidays that evokes my children to over-the-top crazy behavior - sort of like a full moon. Last Mother's Day, for example, their antics made their grandmother cry.

So yesterday one child, who shall remain nameless here, threw such a mighty tantrum just before dinner that he/she threw up. And nothing says, "I love and appreciate you, Mom" like vomit on white carpet. Thank you, Aaron, for cleaning it up while I cried over the grill.

I had hoped that today would be a clean-slate kind of day. We would push the reset button and wake up to new possibilities, new mercy - maybe even new hearing! Today, however, was not my day. One child woke up earlier than the other and started watching a show for which the other had not given approval, and so it began. A hunger strike. Marathon complaining. Repeated requests to get ready for school met with a disgruntled kid staring into the abyss. We get into the car without jackets - I forgot to encourage them to wear them, so I was rebuked for "not letting them have coats" on such a brisk morning.

On the drive I began my speech: "Guys, clearly we have had a rough morning, but that doesn't mean we have to have a bad day. All of us are human and we make mistakes and forget things," I began. Somewhere in the monologue I reassured them that even when I correct them I am doing so out of love.

"You guys will never know how much I love you," I said, adding for emphasis, "I would die for you."

"Well, why don't you just die?" one of my  angels said into my good ear.

I looked back to see a smirk. The kid didn't mean it - of course he/she didn't. But that really didn't matter in the moment. I cried. I prayed for them in carpool as usual, only sobbing. They didn't say a word. They just hopped out of the car and trotted into the building like any other morning.

I returned home to lament to my unsuspecting husband how life was just a wreck. Case in point, we received notice Friday that our yard is in violation of the homeowner's association guidelines because of our epic weeds. They were really impressive, although I doubt our neighbors would describe them as such. But if our home is a mess outside, it's because we can't get a handle on what's going on inside long enough to address it. It's cluttered, I'm behind on ironing, stacks of papers litter my kitchen counter, and then there are our offspring. Homework often is a tear-filled nightmare. We can't keep up with events, emails and stuff to send in for their classrooms. Goodness, I can't even get into their various and sundry issues, let alone how they interact with my own.

So today I'm feeling defeated, but I do recognize that it's just an emotion. Emotions aren't good or bad in and of themselves, and thank the Lord they pass. I am praying for strength through Christ, for perspective and perseverance. For starters, the Lord brought this to my attention in today's reading. It's from Joanna Weaver's Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World, and I hope it encourages you as it did me:

St. Augustine once preached a sermon in which he proposed a kind of self-test to see if we truly love God:

"Suppose God proposed to you a deal and said, 'I will give you anything you want. You can possess the whole world. Nothing will be impossible for you... Nothing will be a sin, nothing forbidden. You will never die, never have pain, never have anything you do not want and always have everything you do want--except for just one thing: you will never see my face.'

Augustine closed with a question:

"Did a chill rise in your hearts when you heard the words, 'you will never see my face?' That chill is the most precious thing in you; that is the pure love of God."

I want that chill to resonate in me because on days like this I so want to see the Lord's face. If the whole world crumbles beneath my feet today, let me see His face.

Dear Dr. Patel, please authorize my refill

It's only been three days since I ran out of Citalopram, but if I don't get those glorious little pills back in my possession, by the time Thanksgiving Day rolls around I may or may not have to primal scream at the dinner table right there in front of my mamaw. The kids will start crying, my poor husband will go hide in the basement, but I'm pretty sure my dad will laugh because, well, this sort of thing isn't happening to him anymore.

I started taking this wonder drug about five years ago, when my older two children were just starting to test the limits of my sanity. They hadn't even mastered their craft yet. It wasn't that they were unusually rowdy kids, but I found myself to be so much less than the mother I had once envisioned I'd be. Their unending arguments and physical tussles would set my teeth on edge, and to be completely honest, I felt rage welling up inside. It truly frightened me. After a lot of prayer, counsel from Christians I trusted and internal back-and-forth, I decided to give medicinal intervention a try.

Those of us in church circles know all too well the stigma that comes along with taking antidepressants.  There's this unspoken notion that we don't fully rely on the Lord for strength and joy. And, of course, how could we not be so in love with our precious children that we would need a Mother's Little Helper to get through a day of homeschooling, baking, cleaning and being thin, beautiful and generally awesome--right? Let me stop you right there and tell you I don't do all that stuff, mkay?

What added to my anxiety was the judgement I've felt as a flawed mom from other moms--and some of them in the Church--that had built up in me since having my babies.  I've noticed the stares, heard the whispering and felt the judgement when my kids act up. One example burned into my heart happened while walking my two little guys to the car after a Bible study. At the time, my son was not yet 3 and was a runner; I was extremely pregnant with my third and did well to waddle. He wriggled his hand free of mine and took off toward the parking lot. Since he's still with us, you can deduce that I caught him, but no thanks to the gaggle of women standing outside who witnessed the whole thing and did absolutely nothing to help. One in particular who had seen me do the panicked quick waddle after my straying sheep actually exclaimed afterward, "Whew, that was a close one, huh?" Thanks for noticing, I guess.

Since then, I've felt my mothering skills are less than stellar--mostly because of that awful inner dialogue that daily tells me I'm failing my kids. Being a mom is, by far, the most stressful job I've ever had--and that includes six years in a newsroom. It's 24/7. The stakes couldn't be higher and there are no breaks, no awards or vacation time. And after a while, it takes a toll. There's so much tension and self-disappointment sometimes I don't recognize myself. The enemy is powerful in this department, is he not?

But here are a few matters to ponder, my fellow church ladies: First, joy and happiness are not the same thing. Happiness is an emotion that often is dependent on circumstances. Emotions aren't good or bad--they just are. Emotions ebb and flow, so heaven help you if you make decisions based solely on them. Joy; however, is a state of knowing that no matter what life throws at us--and it will throw some pretty nasty curve balls, no matter who you are--your future is secure because of your relationship with Christ. Still, I struggled with the question of whether my stress related more to my sins of perfectionism and disappointment in having not achieved it than to a chemical imbalance. There was only one way to find out.

While you may suppose past generations of moms were able to raise several children without medicinal help, consider that our present culture isn't the same as it was for them. We're busier than ever, and the kids we are responsible for raising are expected to achieve more and to participate in more, earlier than ever. More is expected of us, ladies, and the standards are impossible. Plus, I bet you a dollar to a donut that if you could go back in time and offer a Prozac to your great-great-gramma, who got up at 4:30 a.m. to milk cows, help her husband work the farm and raise 12 kids, she'd take it--perhaps with a swig of whiskey.

Let me suggest to you that the aforementioned stigma exists only in your head. I've learned this in the last few years while in Bible studies, at least the ones where the ladies are willing to take off their masks. We all end up talking about our struggles to deal with growing families and the stress that all but overtakes us. In initially hushed tones, we talk about the diagnoses, the therapy sessions, the prescriptions. But once we come to the realization that we are in a sisterhood, we can relax and even laugh about it. Sometimes there also is joy that comes from knowing (to borrow a phrase from the Cheshire Cat) that "we're all mad here." And more than that silly pill, I need to know that you'll be there, dear sister, to laugh and cry with me.

Speaking of which... The beauty of Citalopram for me has been that it didn't alter my personality or cloud my thinking like some other meds have in the past. They all affect each person a bit differently, but this one merely helped me handle stress better. I can take the kids' loud, destructive antics without completely losing my stuff. Most of the time. The only thing I couldn't do, interestingly enough, was cry. Oh sure, if something truly sad happened--a relative dying or some other sort of tragedy--I would most definitely shed some tears. But the run-of-the-mill daily craziness isn't going to make me dissolve into a puddle as it once did.

So imagine my surprise when, sans scrip, I found myself crying in spin class this week. SPIN CLASS.  Linda Grady, I promise it wasn't your tobadas that made me misty. Some song lyric reminded me it was Veteran's Day. That reminded me of my papaw. And that reminded me how much I miss him. And then it was all over. I was mopping up more than sweat with that hand towel.

Not to state the obvious, but since running out of Citalopram I've been having some extra feelings. We took our annual family photos, which was extraordinarily bad timing. Getting three little kids to look in the same direction and smile nicely while refraining from hitting, poking, pushing, licking, stomping or calling one another some potty-related name is as likely as capturing a unicorn and keeping it in your backyard for a pet. At one point, the photographer had to remind me to breathe in and out. Poor thing. I may have been the worst behaved of the Johnson five that day.

I could use some extra grace, but I'm willing to bet that so do you, mama. Let's not forget we're in this thing together. So Lord, help us all. And, Dr. Patel, if you could just get on to that paper work, that would be great.

Sincerely,

Cheshire Cat

The Johnsons' 2014

So I just cleaned the kitchen from dinner and snuck away to start our annual New Year letter to friends and family only to discover that the last thing I wrote on this blog was last year's letter. Eek! It's not that I haven't had anything to say; I just rarely have time to write it down! Our 2014 was quite a whopper. Lots of activity and lots of wonderful times peppered with some pretty tough ones - but that's life, isn't it?

Aaron and I started the year with our annual week-long trip away from the kiddos - a cruise to St. Maartin, St. Kitts, San Juan and Haiti. We always have such a great time together, seeing new things and reminding ourselves why we committed to spending our lives together. This coming year's getaway to Maui will be supplied by Aaron's company - a reward for his hard work and success this year! And to that we say, "Yay, Marcus & Millichap!" In other travel adventures, as a whole family we spent spring break in Gulf Shores, Ala. with our good friends the Ormsbys, Father's Day week in Myrtle Beach with the Holbrook clan and discovered a new overnight destination sure to remain a favorite - Great Wolf Lodge, where Nora learned to howl :)

This fall Louisville gained a new resident, whom we like to call Grandma J. Aaron's mom Penny moved to a condo not far down the road - and just a stone's throw from Shelbyville Road's retail action, which I think she rather enjoys. We had spent eight years without any in-town relatives, so I can't tell you what a blessing it's been to have Grandma J so near. The kids are enjoying special time with her on a regular basis, and that's priceless.

Shall I even start with talk of our medical issues? What a year! After a MRI showed spinal stenosis and various other owies in my back, I've been learning to deal with new limitations and perpetual soreness. This getting older thing really stinks, but it could be so much worse! Aaron is finishing the year recovering from a harrowing battle with kidney stones - one he is enormously grateful to have behind him. I've watched my parents each struggle with their own physical woes. Mom had back surgery three weeks ago, after several months of pain that had her using a walker or wheelchair at times. About that same time we learned my dad has lymphoma; a slow-progressing form of the cancer, but an unwelcome diagnosis nonetheless. His prognosis is good, but this all has been a reminder of just how much my parents mean to me. It's also been a real gut check in my relationship with the Lord, whom I love and trust with everything in me. I'm praying for ever-increasing faith to accept whatever the future holds for any of us, all with praise to the One who holds our futures.

Truly the Lord has been good to us. Here's a look at what each of us has been up to this year:

Aaron
My biggest change this year has been taking a leadership position and co-teaching The Cord, a Sunday school class at Southeast Christian for young married couples. This entailed a new social group to pour into, many new couples to get to know and challenges to bring the Word of God to a different age range. It's a little strange being the ones bringing experience of marriage and raising kids to this group, as Tonia and I see ourselves in the midst of the struggle ourselves.
In the fall we picked up another co-teacher for The Cord, so Tonia and I started leading a year-long Discipleship Curriculum group for high school students. It's great to go back to teaching teenagers!
Work went very well this year, as a low interest rate environment combined with aggressive investor demand to push Kentucky multi-family prices to record levels. I set the Louisville record for highest price ever for a new apartment sale ($100K per unit); however, that record only lasted six months.  Our new revenue allowed us to pick up some new missionaries to support.
One of the highlights of the year, as always, was hosting attendants for the Global Missions Health Conference at Southeast Christian. In years past, we've met fulltime missionaries with years of ministry in the field and lots of amazing and inspirational stories to share. This year we had 15 college students - each considering missions - at our house during the conference. Their eagerness to reach the nations is energizing and is a big reason we have them stay with us!

Tonia
I've already told you most of what I've been up to - it's a perk that comes with authoring the letter - but I'll fill you in on the rest. People keep asking if I've been writing, and the short answer is "no." Have I been missing it? Absolutely! However, I know there will be a day when I'll have more spare moments than I'll know what to do with. Until then, I'm loving my days spent being a mom and wife to these wonderful people in my house!
I'm also loving the teaching and leadership opportunities I've had in several groups at church. The Women's DC group I co-led graduated in the Spring. I'm staying involved in this program through shepherding another group that began this fall in addition to co-leading the teen group Aaron mentioned. I also co-led a group for new believers called Understanding the Story this fall, and I can't tell you how much I gained from being around women so eager to learn and get involved. Sometimes seasoned believers need to hear Gospel basics with fresh ears to be re-energized, and this group really grew me in that way. Plus, they're just really great ladies :) So what's next? I'll be co-leading a Bible study for the women in The Cord; we'll begin with the book of James beginning Jan. 13. I hope to continue growing this community of wives and moms who love and support one another well. I hope to remain involved in Understanding the Story, and I may never leave DC!

Katie
Our first born just turned 7 and seems to be turning into a little lady right in front of our eyes. While she still enjoys roughhousing with her brother and pretending to be a cheetah, Katie's growing maturity shows in her thoughtful questions, expressions of empathy and increased willingness to try new things. She also had her first three lost teeth this year and has a brand new, beautiful smile!
She's taking a victory lap in kindergarten this year and is making wonderful strides in reading. Of course, her favorite subject remains art - and she's really good at it, I must say! Katie's classroom is next door to her brother's kindergarten class, which has turned out to be pretty cool. They have the same homework, attend the same field trips and see each other several times throughout the day, which seems to make them both happy and more comfortable. We'll see if they still feel that way in a few years.

Adam
Ah, the boy. Well, the blond hair is just about grown out, and at 5 he's just not a baby anymore. Sometimes I look at Adam and can't believe how dramatically he has changed in the last year. He's sailing through the academics of kindergarten, although he does get a note sent home from the teacher from time to time. Once she reported that Adam was singing while he did his work, and more recently she had to tell him twice to stop dancing in the hall. Is it wrong that I love those violations?
Outside of school, Adam has been dabbling in some recreational activities. He and Katie spent a lot of time in the neighborhood pool this summer, and Adam jumped off the diving board for the first time! He gave soccer a try this fall, and while he did stop a few balls as his team's goalie, Adam wasn't that interested. Oh well, on to something new next year. In the meantime, Adam is happy following in his daddy's footsteps and loves playing games on the iPad - namely, he enjoys spending time building things in his Minecraft world and then setting them on fire. Should we be worried?

Nora
As of today, our family has watched Frozen roughly 683 times, give or take, because Nora just can't get enough of it. Basically, when Nora finds something she loves she overdoses. I can't tell you how many sticks of string cheese she has consumed - she even asks for it for breakfast and, if I'm not quick enough, she'll fashion a ladder-like device to get it out of the fridge herself. We've listened to Pharrell's Happy ad nauseam, which actually didn't bother any of us because we're cool with just about anything that makes that sweet girl giggle. And you have to admit it's a great song :)
I know she's my kid and all, but she's so stinkin' cute I almost can't stand it.
Nora is one smart cookie, too. Have you ever heard a 2-year-old count to 12? I don't know where that came from because we haven't been practicing. And you know she's not using the potty regularly because her mother is such a good potty trainer. Seriously, ask brother how good I am at it. My only deduction is that she picks up on everything the rest of us say and do, and that's fine by me. Thank you, Lord, for this delightful, easy kid!

All things considered, no matter our momentary circumstances we can't thank God enough for how He provides for us - most of all, with the salvation He granted us through Jesus Christ. But also, we are blessed with the opportunity to live life with and love one another. May the Father grant you and yours a life of love, joy and peace in 2015!

The Johnsons